One of the great truths of private sperm donation is that recipients far outnumber donors. Be prepared to take some time and effort to find a suitable sperm donor. These guides are designed to get you started on your journey. Always take the time to get to know your donor. If possible meet in a public place first or instigate phone conversations or Facetime if distance is too great to a casual chat over coffee. If a donor doesn’t want to talk on the phone or facetime after a few days it is usually a red flag.
Take the time to ask questions and build trust. You may decide as a recipient to create a recipient profile rather than use your personal Facebook page to make initial contact. This could make blocking or rejecting any contact from donors whose motives you suspect easier and won’t compromise your privacy.
We wish both recipients and donors well in their journey. There is a blog you can post your comments to regarding this page if you wish to offer any feedback or discussion.
A well structured and thought out Facebook post can save a lot of time and stress in getting your message out there – so what should the perfect Facebook post contain? In our opinion the best Facebook posts contain the following:
For Recipients
- Be sure to include background information about yourself or you and your partner if posting as a couple. Include a photo if possible , unless you wish to send one privately which is also acceptable. Also be sure to mention the area you live in you can just give a general guide if you wish, such as Essex, Manchester for example rather than say South East which is somewhat vague. Be sure to mention also if you’re able to travel to donors or if you will cover the cost of travel for a donor to visit you. Bear in mind it is not illegal to charge for sperm donations as a private donor, however asking beyond travel costs or other expenses is considered unethical by many. As always it’s up to the recipients to weigh up the pros and cons if a donor requests money for a donation beyond travel costs. Also consider any level of future contact you may be open to or if you you will provide regular updates or prefer no contact after birth
- Your chosen method of insemination – This is extremely important and should not be left out of any post. Usually the admins of a group will request you state your chosen method if you fail to do so initially, which is all the more important you save them the hassle in the first place. The majority of recipients generally want AI as their chosen method, but some wish to either conceive naturally or are open to both AI and NI donation methods. It is best to take your time deciding what method or methods you’d like. If you chop and change on methods it can make you appear not to be focused or you may receive some messages from the so called ‘sex pests’ if you fail to state you are AI only. Avoid using the term ‘desperate’ in your post as it could encourage some donors to attempt to talk you into NI or PI methods even if you state AI only.
- Use correct grammar and manners. It costs nothing to say please and thank you in a post. Remember whatever you write reflects directly on you and appearing as either demanding or entitled could mean you miss out on a potential donor contacting you. As a general rule avoid txt spk.
- Be sure to mention what you are looking for in a donor. You can be as detailed as you wish here if you are looking for a left handed red haired 5 ft 7 blue eyed donor then you are free to state this, as long as you bear in mind the more specific your request the longer it may take to find the right donor. Usual requests are for eye colour, height, any genetic diseases, proven fertility and recent STI checks.
- Some groups still maintain risk lists. They are worth reading and are usually pinned to the top of the page. Bear in mind that often the individuals who appear on these lists are there as a result of falling out with the various admins for whatever reason. While it is always best to read them recipients would be encouraged to keep an open mind and decide for themselves how valid these lists are.
- Don’t be afraid to block any donors who are pushy or disrespectful. You may if you choose contact admin and inform them of the message or messages you have received, or you may wish to join one of the recipient only groups to share the information with other recipients. Always consider though what you write in any group could viewed by potential donors. It is worth considering this strongly before you post anything negative about a donor or other recipients.
- Always check the Facebook ‘message request’ folder for those donors who have contacted you after seeing your post but not commented on it.
Here are some examples of excellent posts seeking a donor edited to protect privacy.
For Donors
Many donors keep a low profile and just contact recipients with whom they feel they could be a match. There are always many more recipient posts than donor posts on the groups and many groups contain posts from those that have come to be known as serial donors, be that due to ego or from some who attempt to make an income of sorts from donations. While it is no illegal in the private sperm donor world to charge it is generally frowned upon and can be at the least considered unethical. Our view is that it’s up to the recipient to decide if they wish to pay above travel costs or other expenses for donations. Any additional charges you may wish to request, however, should be disclosed in your post or at the very least early in messages with any potential recipient so they are fully aware of this. Please consider these suggestions when you put together your first donor post.
- As with recipient posts do include some information about yourself. Location, age, physical description, (include a photo if possible or at least send one in your early messages), any hereditary medical conditions. As with recipient posts take the time to use correct grammar and manners.
- Many donors will not post under their real name due in part to wanting to stay anonymous perhaps due to a concern about potential child support worries, however, once trust has been established proof of true identity should be provided prior to donations.
- Many donors only feel safe donating to those either married or in a civil partnership due to the anxiety of potential child support concerns. This is something for you to consider especially if you are under the age of 30 and don’t wish to put yourself at risk of being pursued once the child is born.
- If you are an AI donor be prepared to receive many requests for your help. There are many more recipients on the groups seeking an AI donor than actual donors so the demand far exceeds the supply. If you offer both AI and NI donations be sure you have a clear STI check in place and ideally paperwork to back this up although many will show a text message as proof of this, but if possible pay the small fee (usually around £20 – £25), or request that it be covered by any potential recipients. Having the paperwork is far more trustworthy.
You can review a list of NHS GUM clinics here - Don’t take on too many recipients at one time. You will find though some strange coincidence that more often than not many women ovulate around the same time of the month and while you may not have any donations ‘booked’ for most of the month it could mean you’re in danger of having to provide sperm for your recipients in the space of just a week to a few days. This can be quite stressful if you find they have travelled to you and you’re unable to perform your duty due to over doing it.
- Be prepared to do a lot of traveling, especially as an AI donor unless you state the recipients have to come to you, or book a hotel near to you. Again this also falls under not taking too many recipients on at any one time.
- If you agree to AI donations don’t be a scumbag and attempt to change your method on the day of donation. This is extremely upsetting for recipients many of whom may have waited and tracked ovulation for some time for their fertile window and also have spent some time building up trust in conversations with the donor only to have that trust violated when the crucial fertile window arrives. Do the decent thing and stick to AI if that is the agreed method.
- Don’t contact those who post asking for an AI donor only and attempt to persuade them that NI or PI is a better, quicker or more reliable method. The method is usually one of the first things which is agreed upon, once decided stick to your word. A woman who is ok with NI donations will generally make you aware of that early on and should not be pressured into it. If you only post as an NI then you can be open about discussing NI with any potential recipients who contact you.
- Be prepared if you post as an NI donor to receive messages from those who only seek AI. These are usually genuine mistakes from recipients not reading your post correctly. There’s no need to be rude if this happens, but always best to clarify early on that the recipient is aware you are only offering NI donations and to ascertain they are ok with this method.
- If you both agree the donation will be NI take the time to talk about what will take place during the donation and what the recipient is comfortable with – NI donations are mostly about the recipient’s comfort zone.
Here is an example of a well written donor post.
